it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Randomize
