She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Randomize
