sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Randomize
