his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
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