I accidentally burped into my bong.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
