I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
FUCK WHALES
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