If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Randomize
