And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Randomize
