we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
