I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
I think my nap took me to another dimension
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Randomize
