I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
Pants 0. Shit 1.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
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