I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Randomize
