the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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