my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
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