my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Randomize
