It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
