I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
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