Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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