I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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