If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
