Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Randomize
