my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
