i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Randomize
