I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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