I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
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