Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Randomize
