Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
