You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
MIDGETS
????
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
