If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
You ruined the universe
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
