Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
We should takd a huggy cab to snuggle bunnyville
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
