I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
