matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Dork........ .......... .. . ...... ........... .. . ... ...... .. . .... ..... .. .... ... .......... .... . . ..... Yeah its morse code, no big deal
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
