**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
