On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Randomize
