thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
