woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
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