apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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