Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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