My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
