i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
