My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
