how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Two words: blizzard sex
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
