His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
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