I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize