and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Randomize
