i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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