I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
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