Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Randomize
