so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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