Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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