remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize