Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Randomize
