so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
