I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
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