I didn't shave. On purpose
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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