It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Ed hardy stationary at walmart. I'm betting snookie wishes she knew how to write
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
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