If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
whose ass print is on the piano?
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Randomize
