she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Randomize
