new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
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