I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
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