break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
