What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
