Me too!
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
