she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
I licked your asshole in confidence.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
