My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
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