I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize