Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Randomize
